1 A.M.

Satan tempts when were short of breath

Grab reality by its horns and feel the threads

Ripples through your fingers, sin brushing finger tips

Wish we could say no, but what a wish

 

It’s Friday night and had another Sake

Can’t tell if being single, or being in love is the thing that haunts me

Work with me while I climb these mountains

No one warned me being 22 was going to be so daunting

 

Too often I  question myself while buried in debt

Breathing the weight of dust from the Governing press

Onto my soul, it’s deep in my soul I try and find myself

Do I search inward or find my truths in someone else

 

Climb these steps trying to find some sense

She said she loved me so I said what’s next?

Her lips taste like cake and honey its tough for my health

Addiction’s must taste this sweet because my taste reacts to nothing else

 

A skeptics greatest dream in this life is a soul connection

No longer lone questions for a world so reckless

Sweet sin in the air waiting for the helpless

I write for the ones whose voices are sheltered

 

1 Rough-edit of a poem unedited…. hopefully it’s fluidity is there.

 

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It’s About Time

*Exhales entire lung capacity*

I’m not even sure where to begin. Do I just outright start with apologies to all of the people I’ve crushed? Do I start with the good news of how I’m repenting for the goodness of my soul? Maybe a great shout out to the Lord for rescuing me is in need.

Since India, I’ve done nothing but sin. Sin, sin, sin. This letter will be a bit long due to the fact that I don’t write often, as well as I never know when I will get another chance to air out everything.

When arriving in America December 25th or so, I figured I had a fresh start. This time things were going to be easy, I’m just ending my 6-month trip as a missionary and I’m filled with nothing but the spirit; what is being a human? Things were going good about the first week. Christmas was here, there was so much steak (since in India that’s not a thing), and I had complete control of my thoughts. Never before in my life was I in complete control of myself, God had carried me a long way and due to me doing my 50%, God had met me the other 50% by doing the unbelievable. I wasn’t better than anyone by any means, but I was a better me, that’s for sure.

The first week had past and I encountered family troubles thereafter. I won’t go into detail here, because I don’t want to type out huge stories, but I broke down into tears with the overwhelming stress (which those who know me, know crying is usually rare, due to the site of me always smiling). I prayed and gave loving answers and fixing and the problem had passed. Great, I made it through test #1. I moved to College thereafter and the pressures of America immediately took over. I just came from a country where all of my girl-friends swam in clothing head to toe, and immediately my eyes saw naked girls all over movies and complete access to my phone. I fell back into porn in no time and was having sex immediately. Overtime I found my loving heart, replaced with a numb one. I found my wisdom leaving my mind and replaced with a mind seeking thrill. I found myself in a slump, a deep one. How do I even get out…? How.

Thank God through this Journey, I had a few people in my life who could correct me. correct my vision. My first thanks goes to my cousin, who is practically a sister in my eyes. Hannah Laib,  who is currently in India as of 2/17/15 and will be getting married there in no time at all. If anyone were to ask, what is your ideal best friend for a girl, I would immediately nominate her, as many other individuals would do the same. She is courageous and will by no means hold back to tell you when you’ve stepped in the wrong direction. She has set a standard by which I hold any girl who moves into a close place in my life; I love her with all that I have. Hannah segways perfectly to the next individual who I hold close to my heart. One who has helped me sort through my garbage although she doesn’t have to one bit.

This individual I won’t name. I don’t do dating currently and haven’t for quite a long time actually. A lot of that is due to the fact that sex is something that’s at hand for me, so admittedly I’m faulty and any sort of dating would be a corrupt relationship. I know I am in no position to lead a girl responsibly in that manner. Another reason I don’t date is the fear. The fear of too many reasons to name. The final reason, is Her. So many confessions could spill out from my fingers and stick to this page, but I’ll spare everyone that. ha ha.  She is loved, by an incredible amount that I don’t plan on loving anyone else.

My Family, my Mom, my Cousins, my Dad. My love is for these people who give me wisdom during the moments I have steadily denied truths in order to inflict sin upon my soul, which is a shame because I’m held to both the standard and face of Christianity. I ask the Lord for forgiveness constantly for skewing the image of someone who is saved. I’m working my way back, and anyone who knows me is always free to hold me accountable for that.

By this point of the letter, you may be asking yourself, what is the point of all this. Does he just feel guilty? Can he not handle whats happening? Is he just confessing?

I suppose yes to all of those.

I’m tired… Incredibly tired. Lately over the last few weeks, I’ve had a lot of things hit my heart, and I knew it was just time to clean up my soul. You NEVER know, when your last moments on this earth may be up. Almost every single day I think of past friends who have passed away and may not have been saved. I’m not determining if they were, only God knows, but I pray for them.

A verse that hits hard is this one: Luke:19-31

The Rich Man and Lazarus

19 “There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. 20 At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores 21 and longing to eat what fell from the rich man’s table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores.

22 “The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried. 23 In Hades, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. 24 So he called to him, ‘Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.’

25 “But Abraham replied, ‘Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. 26 And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been set in place, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.’

27 “He answered, ‘Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my family, 28 for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.’

29 “Abraham replied, ‘They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.’

30 “‘No, father Abraham,’ he said, ‘but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.’

31 “He said to him, ‘If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.’”

Which if you want to read in-depth on this verse, visit:

 http://www.desiringgod.org/sermons/preparing-to-receive-christ-hearing-moses-and-the-prophets

John Piper is a genius.

That verse hits home, I never want anyone to be in the position this man is in the next life. I wouldn’t wish that upon my worst enemy.

I’ve come to say, forgive me. To the ones I’ve had sex with, the ones I’ve gossiped about, the ones I haven’t loved as much as myself, the ones I haven’t helped who have truly needed it, the ones I’ve had hate for, instead of forgiveness. On my phone, I’ve deleted all of my social network apps, due to being incredibly distracted. So, if I don’t reply, there are no hard feelings toward you, just know I would rather be giving that time to Christ, and becoming a better lover, gentleman, and leader in the world, A Christian man if you would. To the multitude of women I’ve had sex with, give me time to correct my tomorrows. Time to deny myself and prepare my steps for harder days that are to come, I need time to say no to you and yes to Christ. I need time, and it’s about time that I lived a life that my single mother would be proud of, and my hardworking father would pat me on the back for. My family has starved literally, been poor and troubled, and sacrificed far too much for me to take any of my today’s, blessings, and tomorrows for granted.

All is love; forgive me and may I give better answers to your future questions.

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Lately, I’ve found some truth

Here is the instrumental I typed to and used as inspiration.

Another poem, finally. I’ve been wanting to do something like this for a while. It’s dedicated to my friend “Z”, who recently passed, I love you C. family and am praying for you. I’m grateful for the people who are near to me as of October 8, 2014, I don’t take you for granted. I hope this website stays up forever. I would love if my little sister and brother could look back on each of these letters. Family and friends, I love you all and I hope you enjoy the poem. The only feedback I really want is if you’ve been inspired, and please, feel free to share this. I publish honesty for honest reactions. I’m happy, I really am.

My heart… It’s heavy

I have people at a distance that put insects in my tummy

Butterfly’s

I wish I could fly to you and get buttered up when you say you love me

I miss that, I miss you and never think you’re nothing

______

Chance says Everybody is Somebody’s Everything

I think of you as I walk and it leads to me humming

Random goofy lyrics to the beat of your chest thumping

My heart has needed a reason to un-clump the evil that’s been clumping

____

Teach me, someone please teach me more

Because really you can never learn enough, especially from the poor

There is more to learn than financial gain

Maybe communicate a cure instead of adding to the pain

_____

Truthfully, I wish we could all be gathered

I would hope to have the courage to stand in-front of you like I mattered

Enemies, Friends, and Ex’s compiled on a list

I think I would say something like this…

_____

I apologize for not saying enough thank you’s

I’ve been passively burning bridges with hints and clues

Lately my life is full of sex but no drugs for sure

I know it’ll pass, 21 is the year of learning that less is more

Unless more means money than evidently less means poor

But if poor meant being funny than being rich is for the bored

My new friends aren’t actually here yet

I’ve still been looking for people to clear my trust list

I have trust issues, I don’t know why but they’re there

Maybe it’s because I’ve passed out too many I love you’s without the actual care

Ex’s, I’ve used you i’m sure

I was a selfish teen who knew no selfless words

I bet I knew that you made me feel great and improved my self worth

Wait

You really are worth the attention

Ladies, you’re worth more than dishes and wiping down his kitchen

And I pray that you believe your body isn’t meant for discipline

Your curves and whatever shape you are is really just a bonus

The cure, is a mix of Love and Character potion

And if home is where the heart is then a lot of us are homeless

Because a lot of us are heartless with emotions in comas

Won’t us

Or I mean, won’t we ever get it right?

Will man kind burn out like every other light?

Hurry, learn that kindness is infectious

I’ve learned to correct myself when I do personal inspections

The deadly sin in my heart is especially inspected when it’s 1 of the 7

The answer?

A world full of love provides an earthly heaven

______

I love you

 

 

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My dear friend

I can’t say how unfortunate it is to lose a friend. Someone you go catch a movie with at any point in time, or that person who is just a step away and is prepared to cover any topic with you. I won’t mourn for long, because I am the type to carry you as a trophy rather than a withered leaf. I shall pray for you till the day I crawl into my coffin. You may have passed, but may you be blessed and resting. You made your way to a city/school that I knew you found important. I will say, it was great to see that you were somewhere you wanted to be; a place you found happiness and close loved ones. Life gets far to busy and I maybe should have just checked in with you, checked in to see how a friend was doing and what you found important lately. May you rest well, and we both know your younger brother will cross leaps and bounds with you in his mind…. For himself, and for you as well.

Rest in peace my friend.

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It’s more of a…. Thank you.

It has been a long.. long time since I have exhaled anything onto this blog. Mostly because of inspiration and my life being a result of chaos. I really have been searching for a reason to write.

It wasn’t till today. Today during the hot, lazy day of August when I woke up late and lived. This post hasn’t been written with the intention of swooning, but instead, a chance to pass off a thank you.

I woke up late this morning, maybe around 9 or so. I inhaled the morning air and knew that I would meet you today. “The stranger” off the internet (ha I know). I thought last night, what would be a good lie to explain all of this? I’m still not sure, but if this story had an incredible ending, I would see no reason as to why we should lie to our life’s audience about it’s beginning.

I lay in my bed, still in my punjabi pants, hoping I had a message on my phone. As I rolled over and checked it, there was nothing from you. Which was alright, I suppose societies social construct of men making, “The Plans”, is something I should fulfill. But of course, me being me, I put the phone down thinking, Ahh, she’ll text me about an hour before confirming what she meant by, “lets meet at 11ish”. Sure enough, I was wrong. As I woke up at 10:05, I shot you a text wondering if 11ish truly meant 11. Which… it did.  Crap. As I rolled out of bed, I made a light jog through the upstairs playroom to my bathroom. I need to shave. I can’t show up looking as rough as I do. Of course after shaving, brushing teeth, and getting dressed, I leave the house with an arrival time of 11:20. Who would have guessed that Saturday morning traffic would be so terrible? I sped 90 on the highway and still showed up late. Ha ha, just know that you are the last person I would want to be un-timely with…

I finally found a parking place and locked my car, hanging up the phone as I calmly walk my way toward the coffee shop. ITS HOT. Dressed in black rolled up chinos and a blue button down, i’m sweating. Well, I admit, nervousness had a slight contribution to the little drops of exposing nervousness, but we can just agree it was hot out. I step inside and there you were, sitting there on the phone; A Beautiful Blonde short haired, greenish maybe blue eyed girl, who had a delicate smile that would make sugar seem tasteless. Now since you couldn’t be more modest and a deflector of compliments, I will leave that as the only physical compliment – after all, that’s not the purpose of this blog. I placed my order and took my seat across from you. We touched lightly on movies, and life, and family, and everything that mattered. Art, love, and laughs. Those couldn’t be more important since they are the things that stir the soul. Probably about 2 hours into it, after I had inhaled my coffee and couldn’t have been more mesmerized by your laugh and conversation, I began to sweat. Maybe it was the caffeine? Idk. I just let life go and decided i’d run with my momentary vulnerability.  Now, I understand the sweat part is an interesting piece to add but hear me out. Even though I wasn’t embarrassed, I thought, what if I just allowed myself to be imperfect for a moment. What would the result be? Comfort? Love? Care? Maybe even a laugh at my expense. All of those are perfect. How often I live my days of life being perfect, and keeping such a clean cut image. Impressions are important, I agree, BUT how nice it was to just breathe while being there. To let it all go, and just be human.

Now the part where you had helped set me free…. The part where Christ came in the picture. These days I have been living quite recklessly. It’s been crazy, and ultimately disappointing. I haven’t felt like a human at times. I’ve been living by my destructive ways, and haven’t done well with saying no. I loved the part where you had touched on your testimony and radical beliefs. How un-high-horsed your beautiful Christian brain is. I don’t think you realize how rare that is in our little Christian world. There are only a few of us who believe loving everyone and counting yourself as a lesser means everything. It was when I was in India that I felt my closest to Christ. You know that. Seeing you, the person you are, helped remind me of the person I was. A beautiful, light soul, who had much to be joyous about. I appreciated that. See, ultimately, I just want to be as close and submissive to Christ as I can, and you were that partial wind I needed in my Sails.

I don’t want to take today for granted so I decided I would type it out and maybe someday print it and hang it on my bare, lonely wall, to come across it as a reminder. You have driven a beautiful golden stake into my train tracks of life, and I am highly grateful for it. Again, this isn’t me making an attempt at calling you a soul-mate. But instead, a kind thank you for being a potential long life friend, maybe a potential future partner, or even that kind stranger I just had a 3 hour coffee date with. Thank you.

 

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The Lonely Traveler

These old stone streets embrace me

Freedom is the eluding dream I’m chasing

The small alleys I pass on this traveler’s path

A young boy hugging his mom, and a grandfather’s laugh

____

My shoes are worn but my laces are tied

I’m the loner who understands life’s passing by

My time is short, and 20 years are gone

I’ve apologized to my mom for the times I can’t come home

____

But I’m grateful she understands that I just want to see

A non-typical life built around a family tree

But instead, endless forests that accept me… for me

____

I’ll keep moving tiredly across bridges of train tracks

Watching the sun set over a grand mountains back

I may have whiskey while I sit somewhere in the woods

I may even purchase a guitar to uplift my moods

____

It’s escape, that’s what this dream is all about

Lost somewhere, where some “discovery” is found

My little life will someday be discovered full of sound

____

I ask, who wants to be 70 and say I should have done more

That won’t be me, because I’ll have finally closed my wandering door

The knob will be worn and the hinges in need of tightening

Maybe I’ll die alone, with my journals of endless writing

____

With photos of places from sea to the neighboring sea

No knick knacks. No things bought that look neat

Just old gear… love… and my memories of peace

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Lately

Lately I’ve been thinking about my future and situations I’m in

How bad I want success and where I should begin

I’ve noticed when I’m focused, it doesn’t take much to burn a bridge

Goodbye to all of these “friends”, there is no need to pretend

_____

I just want to travel the world and take care of my family

And eat all of this food from inside the world’s pantries

I don’t care about your feelings or sympathetic cries

You don’t know about struggle till you see homeless kids cry

_____

I’ve left India and have never been the same

I don’t sympathize with America’s John Does or Jane’s

Your pity stories make me want to leave this place again

If I could I would travel and never build a home of bricks

_____

I would be a nomad, giving love to the slow and non-standing

My money would take care of “home”, and those who are needy

Homeless beggars and the poor who are never greedy

My anger is built up from you and my American reasoning

_____

These words are all stemming from thoughts and emotion

My attempt at dumping all of this into the open

I don’t want to discuss anything I type if it means you trying to coax me

Only tell me about your dreams and everything you’ve been hoping

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