*Exhales entire lung capacity*
I’m not even sure where to begin. Do I just outright start with apologies to all of the people I’ve crushed? Do I start with the good news of how I’m repenting for the goodness of my soul? Maybe a great shout out to the Lord for rescuing me is in need.
Since India, I’ve done nothing but sin. Sin, sin, sin. This letter will be a bit long due to the fact that I don’t write often, as well as I never know when I will get another chance to air out everything.
When arriving in America December 25th or so, I figured I had a fresh start. This time things were going to be easy, I’m just ending my 6-month trip as a missionary and I’m filled with nothing but the spirit; what is being a human? Things were going good about the first week. Christmas was here, there was so much steak (since in India that’s not a thing), and I had complete control of my thoughts. Never before in my life was I in complete control of myself, God had carried me a long way and due to me doing my 50%, God had met me the other 50% by doing the unbelievable. I wasn’t better than anyone by any means, but I was a better me, that’s for sure.
The first week had past and I encountered family troubles thereafter. I won’t go into detail here, because I don’t want to type out huge stories, but I broke down into tears with the overwhelming stress (which those who know me, know crying is usually rare, due to the site of me always smiling). I prayed and gave loving answers and fixing and the problem had passed. Great, I made it through test #1. I moved to College thereafter and the pressures of America immediately took over. I just came from a country where all of my girl-friends swam in clothing head to toe, and immediately my eyes saw naked girls all over movies and complete access to my phone. I fell back into porn in no time and was having sex immediately. Overtime I found my loving heart, replaced with a numb one. I found my wisdom leaving my mind and replaced with a mind seeking thrill. I found myself in a slump, a deep one. How do I even get out…? How.
Thank God through this Journey, I had a few people in my life who could correct me. correct my vision. My first thanks goes to my cousin, who is practically a sister in my eyes. Hannah Laib, who is currently in India as of 2/17/15 and will be getting married there in no time at all. If anyone were to ask, what is your ideal best friend for a girl, I would immediately nominate her, as many other individuals would do the same. She is courageous and will by no means hold back to tell you when you’ve stepped in the wrong direction. She has set a standard by which I hold any girl who moves into a close place in my life; I love her with all that I have. Hannah segways perfectly to the next individual who I hold close to my heart. One who has helped me sort through my garbage although she doesn’t have to one bit.
This individual I won’t name. I don’t do dating currently and haven’t for quite a long time actually. A lot of that is due to the fact that sex is something that’s at hand for me, so admittedly I’m faulty and any sort of dating would be a corrupt relationship. I know I am in no position to lead a girl responsibly in that manner. Another reason I don’t date is the fear. The fear of too many reasons to name. The final reason, is Her. So many confessions could spill out from my fingers and stick to this page, but I’ll spare everyone that. ha ha. She is loved, by an incredible amount that I don’t plan on loving anyone else.
My Family, my Mom, my Cousins, my Dad. My love is for these people who give me wisdom during the moments I have steadily denied truths in order to inflict sin upon my soul, which is a shame because I’m held to both the standard and face of Christianity. I ask the Lord for forgiveness constantly for skewing the image of someone who is saved. I’m working my way back, and anyone who knows me is always free to hold me accountable for that.
By this point of the letter, you may be asking yourself, what is the point of all this. Does he just feel guilty? Can he not handle whats happening? Is he just confessing?
I suppose yes to all of those.
I’m tired… Incredibly tired. Lately over the last few weeks, I’ve had a lot of things hit my heart, and I knew it was just time to clean up my soul. You NEVER know, when your last moments on this earth may be up. Almost every single day I think of past friends who have passed away and may not have been saved. I’m not determining if they were, only God knows, but I pray for them.
A verse that hits hard is this one: Luke:19-31
The Rich Man and Lazarus
19 “There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. 20 At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores 21 and longing to eat what fell from the rich man’s table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores.
22 “The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried. 23 In Hades, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. 24 So he called to him, ‘Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.’
25 “But Abraham replied, ‘Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. 26 And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been set in place, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.’
27 “He answered, ‘Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my family, 28 for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.’
29 “Abraham replied, ‘They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.’
30 “‘No, father Abraham,’ he said, ‘but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.’
31 “He said to him, ‘If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.’”
Which if you want to read in-depth on this verse, visit:
John Piper is a genius.
That verse hits home, I never want anyone to be in the position this man is in the next life. I wouldn’t wish that upon my worst enemy.
I’ve come to say, forgive me. To the ones I’ve had sex with, the ones I’ve gossiped about, the ones I haven’t loved as much as myself, the ones I haven’t helped who have truly needed it, the ones I’ve had hate for, instead of forgiveness. On my phone, I’ve deleted all of my social network apps, due to being incredibly distracted. So, if I don’t reply, there are no hard feelings toward you, just know I would rather be giving that time to Christ, and becoming a better lover, gentleman, and leader in the world, A Christian man if you would. To the multitude of women I’ve had sex with, give me time to correct my tomorrows. Time to deny myself and prepare my steps for harder days that are to come, I need time to say no to you and yes to Christ. I need time, and it’s about time that I lived a life that my single mother would be proud of, and my hardworking father would pat me on the back for. My family has starved literally, been poor and troubled, and sacrificed far too much for me to take any of my today’s, blessings, and tomorrows for granted.
All is love; forgive me and may I give better answers to your future questions.